Hurricane Jackie Does Not Want To Live With Me. Ever.

On my most recent Sunday visit, Hurricane Jackie, a.k.a., Mom, felt compelled to share the story of why she believed my Grandma Margie (she of the fancy buttons) never wanted to purchase a house in Brooklyn. Instead, my maternal grandparents and their daughter rented their Eastern Parkway apartment until the early 1970s, long after the neighborhood (now lovely again) had become inhospitable and HJ had married and moved out to suburbia.

Even though Grandpa Freddie’s employer, ConEd, would have made the transaction easy, HJ said Grandma’s reason for refusing to buy a house is that she would have been forced to live with her mother-in-law, Anna. That prospect was, to be polite, unacceptable. Apparently, they were of clashing personalities. I’ll just leave that there.

Hurricane Jackie then proceeded to inform me that, no matter how much I insist upon extolling the virtues of multigenerational living, she never wants to live with me and never intends to do so. (Now she knows how I felt when I was a teenager.) In truth, HJ isn’t a fan of cohabitation with anyone. When growing up, our interactions were far more productive if I let her start her day by finishing her New York Times and coffee in peace.

It appears that she, being a voracious consumer of all media and, of course, a mother, has been dutifully reading my Madrina Molly posts and listening to all podcasts.

Note: She doesn’t like it when the host talks over me. Be forewarned, future hosts, lest you get a nasty email from my mom.

Yes, it is the case that multigenerational households are increasing due to financial needs, caregiving needs, unavailability of housing stock, and because for many people, that’s the way it’s always been culturally.

Yes, it is the recommendation that we do multigenerational planning rather than crisis management with our elders. Let’s not be silly. After all, multigenerational thinking, living and sharing of resources creates community. And creating and maintaining community is a significant aspect of successful longevity planning.

But where there is no frailty or no immediate financial or caregiving need, should generations be planted on top of one another if we aren’t fans of cohabitation?

No. That’s not necessary.

In this case, I’ll ask my mother to take me seriously but not literally. And she should have figured out that, for a non-frail independent senior like her, proximity is as good as cohabitation.

She can be forgiven for misinterpreting my examples and thinking they refer specifically to her. She doesn’t realize that she’s 10 to 15 years older than the parents of Madrina Molly’s target demographic! (Grandma Margie, who also lived into her late 90s, was the same way. She’d complain that “everyone acts so old” when they were 15 years her junior!)

No, Mom, this isn’t specifically about you, except that you have to admit you enjoy the peace of mind and practical benefits of me being minutes away. And remember, you relocated to my town in New York after spending 30 years in Florida. How is this not multigenerational living?

Multigenerational living might look like a home with everyone under one roof. But it might also look like a well-designed compound, two homes within walking distance, an Accessory Dwelling Unit (ADU), or intentionally relocating within a more manageable radius. Since I have no concerns for HJ’s mobility or safety, we don’t need to be in the same place. As a matter of fact, keeping some distance between us is quite healthy, thank you.

What multigenerational living does look like is family acting like community and vice versa. It’s filling a shopping list, running errands, picking her up and taking her to doctors’ appointments. It’s fixing her computer, her phone, and changing light bulbs. It’s doing a visual assessment of her apartment to ensure she’s maintaining herself well.

On the other side, multigenerational living is being an extra set of wheels for young parents who have a school drop-off or pick-up. It’s scheduling regular babysitting duty and creating family holiday rituals. It’s borrowing tools and freezer space and lending same.

Let’s not overcomplicate this. Thinking multigenerationally is essentially considering that if you plan to move four states away, you may need to come back one day to live your values or improve your safety/longevity.

I have at least four single neighbors in their 70s. Each of these women is highly capable and self-reliant. But we make it a habit to check up on one another, grab one another’s packages from the stoop, meet up for meals, and check on one another’s barking dogs. Our mutually rewarding activities contribute to our healthy aging. We would say we are just being neighborly in an old-fashioned way. (Recall that I’m a part-time singleton when Col. Mustard is on the road or in Ohio and I’m in New York.)

In Hurricane Jackie’s independent living facility, her age is not a rarity. There are many people who live into their late 90s and even 100s. It’s a statistical anomaly until you realize that they are a very tight-knit community of people who dine together, do hobbies together, and look after one another. In other words, she already lives with family … just not her daughter.

I feel like there’s a lot of irony in my mother claiming to want more distance than less. I live where I live specifically because she lives here too. And I’m not going to move her from the wonderful family/community she has.

Nevertheless, I’m so glad that’s settled.

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Copyright Madrina Molly, LLC 2025

The information contained herein and shared by Madrina Molly™ constitutes financial education and not investment or financial advice.

Sherry Finkel Murphy, CFP®, RICP®, ChFC®, is the Founder and CEO of Madrina Molly, LLC.